I can't feel at home in this world anymore

You see the problem with this life is that everything is temporary, nothing lasts forever. And that has in the past (and sometimes in the present) brought me great discouragement. I failed to see the point of it all (work, life, friends, etc). This year, I started a new job, one that I am qualified to do (is that not what it is about? Get a degree, do something you love, get married and die happy?). Sadly NOT.

I learnt something while I was in varsity, when I still could be the 'master' of my own time and not the other way around (being mastered by time or the lack thereof). I learnt that nothing truly satisfies in this world. I learnt it is not about me, it was NEVER about me. It is and has always been about the great I AM.

But I forgot those lessons at the beginning of this year: when I started earning a salary that is higher than my previous salary. I forgot the timeless lessons when I experienced such amazing love and care from my manfriend, that helped make the pressures of this world so much easier to handle. I forgot those truths when my life was seemingly going just the way it ought.

But here's the thing, once your life is not your own: The ONE who owns it makes sure that no matter how good it gets, in your eyes. No matter how blurred your vision of Him might be: because by His grace, He has allowed you to taste His sweet providence. He is still enthroned in Heaven. He continues to reign over all the earth and everything in it. He remains God and He will rule throughout eternity. And by saving grace, I am His and this world is not all there is to Him and His Kingdom.

 So He reminds me of that, sadly I don't learn as fast as I forget.

Suddenly, my salary isn't enough anymore, my expectations from my fiance are those only Jesus himself can meet, the pressures of this world have mounted so high that I am barely coping with each day (but grace abounds and I cope).

This world is not my home... I am just passing by...  

As the prospect of marriage becomes real and life continues to happen. My heart longs to be with my best friend till death parts us. The distance is getting harder to bare yet I will hold on and persevere, not out of my own strength but as grace is given me each day. I know though that my life as a single woman right now is meant to be consecrated and devoted to the Lord, my marriage ought to be the same, more so now that "I can't feel at home in this world anymore".

The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove the disgrace of his people from all the earth. The LORD has spoken.  In that day they will say, "Surely this is our God; we trusted in him, and he saved us. This is the LORD, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation."

Amen

Oh what love is this?

It was May the 11th 2012 when the Lord was pleased to cause Chita to ask Precious to be his girlfriend. It had been an interesting road leading to the time when the question was finally asked. Their friendship was growing and so was their interest in each other. Precious had become very captivated and captured by Chita's desire to study and obey the Word of the Lord. She valued the friendship and secretly (sometimes not so discreetly) hoping that Chita would come out with it and ask her out already.During that time, she learned the timeless lessons that the Lord is always teaching her (patience and absolute dependence/trust on HIM).

From the day that Chita asked her out. Precious' life has not been the same. I have found in Chita a friend, mate, partner, a companion, brother, someone my heart loves and longs for. Gently have I been pursued by this man and tenderly has he loved me. In sacrifice has he sought to do all that is right to ensure my happiness. In reverent fear of the Lord has he led me and pointed me to Christ in conduct and speech.

With a sense of entitlement I have demanded and sometimes manipulated situations to get what I want. In our disputes, I have hardened my heart and became cold and calculating towards him, in hope to cause him the same pain I am feeling at that time. My interest above his always as a motivation. Oh what a wretched woman that I am? Who shall rescue me from this body of death?

"As iron sharpens iron, so does one man sharpen another." I have found my sharpener and I pray to God that He would be pleased to see grow our friendship.


Faulty and imperfect as this man is, he is my good thing from the Lord.
"For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless."

Our Liminal Space

We are neither here nor there, not fully here but not quite there either. We are enjoying the here and now but we know that there is more that awaits over there.

The Lord in His goodness has given me a God-centred, Christ exulting and Bible saturated man who's heart is full of service toward the Him and His people. This man has come into my life and has embodied what it means to live out the Bible in way that has made me long to love and live out God's Word like that and even more.
(I am in no way saying that Chita does this well and he has it together. I know my love has his flaws and he misses the bar time and time again. That he is a sinner in need of grace just like everyone else.)

I cannot help but give thanks to God for this man and look forward to what God has in store for us in this relationship. My hearts desire apart from impacting the world for Jesus sake in massive ways alongside my special: it is to love, honor and respect Chita with all of me. I want to love God so much and be found in His Word so that as it shapes and molds me, I may be a suitable helper for my beloved and love him better.

My prayer is that I may 'remain' the Precious that he has grown to love and not assimilate into a female version of him. Because as much as I love my special, I do not think that is what he needs.

What is true for us to day: is that we both love Jesus and we want to honour Him and bring glory to His name in our friendship. We love each other and we are trusting God to do great things in us and between us.
So as we wait on the Lord to shine His face on us, we enjoy the now and here.

I love you Chita Emmanuel Bantubonse
Your beloved Xolile Precious Makhubu

Habakkuk 3: 16- 19

 Habakkuk 3: 16- 19

I hear, and my body trembles;

    my lips quiver at the sound;

rottenness enters into my bones;

    my legs tremble beneath me.

Yet I will quietly wait for the day of trouble

    to come upon people who invade us.

Though the fig tree should not blossom,

    nor fruit be on the vines,

the produce of the olive fail

    and the fields yield no food,

the flock be cut off from the fold

    and there be no herd in the stalls,

 

yet I will rejoice in the Lord;

     I will take joy in the God of my salvation.

 

God, the Lord, is my strength;

     he makes my feet like the deer's;  

he makes me tread on my high places

The above passage speaks to my heart: every time I read it. I am assured of the love and goodness of God.

2011- What a year!!!

As I sit here in my room, the year is almost over and my term as HK has ended. It all feels so surreal, as if none of the things that happened this year actually took place. My term has HK in this residence has shown me the depths of my depravity. I have learnt what I am capable of, the things my mind can think, the words my mouth can utter, the feelings of rage bordering on hate I have felt countless times. O how the love of Christ can easily become like a switch in my head that I can turn on and off at my convenience.

I have cried myself to sleep most nights, or at least longed for tears to come when my hardened heart would not respond to anything. There have been times when laughter felt out of reach and happy people were a reminder of life that happened out there while I remained in despair. I thank God that when in His Sovereignty allowed me the opportunity to be part of the leadership team in this residence, He knew that He would carry m through it all.

I can go on about the times when I felt my life was worthless, when I woke and dreaded the day ahead, when life for me had lost meaning and all was pointless. But that would not be a full representation of the year. I have met wonderful people, who have taught me valuable life lessons. I have laughed, grieved with and enjoyed precious moments with people I would not have known if it was not for this HK season in my life.

Christianity for me ceased to be an idea or a teaching that I received in meetings but it became my reality. I praise God continuously for all the opportunities that I have had where the Bible was taught to me faithfully, where people invested in my walk with Jesus and prayed for me. Because it was those very times that when all else was fading away, I would recall the teachings, the prayers and that which has come to grip my heart the most- JESUS.

I must say, I feel different after all of this. I have learnt and I grown from everything. I thank God for shaping, yes even through HK. To the friends who were concerned and prayed for me even when I kept pushing them away- thank you for being a physical display of the pursuit and perseverance that God is for us all.

Outgoing Amper Daar HK La Chanteuse Precious Makhubu;
Precious Xolile

Discipleship Group

What is this concept of discipleship groups?

like most people know, i am the last person to make even a comment on this.I know that we are each called to live lives with each other and that does not only mean, put on a mask and go to your so called friends. No, actually, it is the exact opposite. We are to be vulnerable with each other, we are to be completely transparent with one another. Do not ask me what that means because at the moment the Lord is teaching me a new degree of authenticity.

This is not to have those regular chats with the group of people you are used to, no. It is to have those uncomfortable conversations with the people God has placed in your life. We are to live with each other like Jesus lived with His disciples.

I thank God always for having granted me the opportunity this year to do life with the 3 girls I am leading. I will not lie and say that I have been a good leader because in my opinion, I am still to meet such a person. I believe Jesus is the only One who led perfectly.

I am learning to be a leader and a friend to these woman who are trying to follow me as I follow Jesus. So far I can say with great confidence that the Lord has been working in each of theirs lives and He has been working in all of us together as sisters who are trying to love and live for Him on a daily basis.

I thank God that even when I am panicking and it feels like nothing is going right. He remains God and faithful in it all.

My prayer for us as sisters is that He would: Teach us your ways, oh Lord and we will walk in your Truth. Give us undivided hearts that we may fear your name.